Writing a Children’s Book – The #1 Misconception of Writing!
Many people who are considering writing a children’s book have the mistaken belief that you need a piece of paper or to have formal writing experience to write a book for children! This is the #1 misconception of writing a children’s book or any book for that matter. The truth is you don’t!
What publishers want to see in your writing is that you have an interest in and have passion for a good story. Formal qualifications can be expensive and time consuming and in the end they are not a guarantee for your success. Formal writing training can also be quite broad; covering all aspects of writing in general. This is not always a bad thing as you will need to develop a strong foundation for your writing career. But overall, formal training is not necessary. If you are interested in gaining formal qualifications the best thing to look for is a more in-depth focus on children’s writing not all other genres of writing.
Writers of children’s books will recommend attending short courses designed specifically for children’s writing. You can sometimes find free short courses through the community, library, internet or there could be a small fee. Either way, it is beneficial to you to attend one or two of these. This will improve your knowledge and skills when writing for children. The more knowledge you seek in this area of writing will help you beyond belief. While attending courses, you will have the opportunity to ask question, have discussions and get feedback from experienced writers or tutors which will provide you with priceless information you will have for a lifetime. Take the opportunity when it is presented, this is the best way to gain knowledge for your writing career. You can get started writing your children’s story straight away and seek help and support as you go along.
The best way to get the help and support you need is from successful authors who have been there and done that and made the mistakes. Many will be willing to share these with you. Generally, they would have produced well written and published books in more than one genre of children’s writing. These are the folks you want to learn from. They will give you all the elements for writing a children’s book and pointers for dealing with publishers. What publishers want to see and what they don’t! Again this is priceless feedback that only those who have been there can give you.
If you believe writing a children’s book is where your talents lye, that’s awesome! There is always a need for more well written children’s books filled with passion and interest. Remember this is the #1 misconception of writing a children’s book. You do not require formal qualifications, just the determination to learn how to write well for children, one way or another.
The Basics of Writing for Children; Two: Start With a Situation
When writing for children a popular way of getting started is to begin with an incident or happening. Any particular incident, whether you’ve read about it, or maybe heard about it on the news, or maybe a chance phrase or a meeting with someone may create an sudden unshakeable conviction that this is something which may one day be the beginning of a book. Writing for children is, contrary to what many people believe, just as difficult and challenging as writing for adults, indeed in many ways more so, so when you are writing for children, do select your incident or happening carefully as you need to gain, and keep a child’s notoriously fickle attention.
In any case it may take years for you to begin writing for children, but the idea remains firmly fixed in your mind, and so does its potential for a good storyline. Consider the story of the manager of an orphanage who was aware that many of the children in her care had invented “real belonging mothers” all of their own. In some cases the mothers actually existed, but many of these absent moms were invented by the children themselves to fill an aching need, because they didn’t know who their real mothers were, they simply invented them.
When you are writing for children, you could perhaps consider this situation- store it away in your mind and give it time to take root. Possibly years later you may be able to use and develop it. Here’s one possibility ….
Children in an orphanage create fantasy mothers for themselves. Some fantasise about wonderful, cuddly moms who love them deeply and only left them at the orphanage because they had no other option in a cold, hard world. Maybe other children that fantasise about heartless, evil women who simply abandoned them out of cruelty and spite – sounds a bit like a wicked stepmother – doesn’t it? And we all know what wonderful tales have been woven around wicked stepmothers!
Of course not all situations will develop well. You do need to consider carefully what might be worked into a good storyline and which scenarios should be left well alone when writing for children. After all, you don’t want to make your stories too scary! Remember those fantasy moms – those kids needed make-believe mothers who would support rather than hurt them, and any writing for children should always leave the reader feeling warm and reassured after the conclusion has been reached.
Reading is an important habit that needs to be developed in children. It is necessary for survival in today’s stiff competition. It helps the kids in learning new subjects and finding helpful information they want to know. In spite of the present era of computers, the books have their own significance. Many people believe that the magic of printed words is no more, but the fact is that internet has made reading more popular these days.
It is true that more the children read, the better they become at reading. There are many enjoyable things to read which give them the opportunity to have fun while reading. Kids find reading children’s books a pleasurable activity since such literatures give them a lot of entertaining tales and interesting information. These also help them in enhancing their language skills, vocabulary power and their ability to express themselves.
Children Books bring up new worlds and enrich lives of kids. These give children the opportunity to learn about people and places from different parts of the world. They can expand their accumulated knowledge of mankind by reading these books. The novels that broaden children’s imagination encourage teens to experiment and test new ideas. In fact, these literatures enhance the critical thinking of kids and give them the liberty to think about various topics such as the concepts of cause & effect, problem solving, logical conclusions, etc. Now, the most important thing that comes to the mind is how to find the best books for the children. The following points can be helpful for finding such items.
* The easiest way is to go for the books you loved as a child. Thinking like a child, one can know the exact requirements of her or his kids.
* The idea of purchasing the favorite books of trusted friends and family members is also not bad. Your friends and colleagues can suggest some great ideas that might be helpful in searching the best children’s books.
* The award-winning literatures can be availed because such items are appreciated by a large number of readers.
* Going for the classic children’s literatures and the best reviewed books can also be helpful.
* Many online websites offer the list of best selling literatures for the kids. One can easily find his or her favourite books there.
In most of the cases, kids start reading the course books. However, there are many kinds of such literatures that come with an innovative way of writing. The pocket sized “board books” come in themed collections. Such items are based on a number of themes which excite the kids. Another popular style of children’s literature is the simple picture book. These contain different pictures that give some messages. As kids are not very careful for their belongings, the physical construction of such books is designed to resist the rough handling of children.
The best children’s books can be found on the online shopping portals. These websites offer the customers many attractive schemes and deals. One can also find free gifts, incentives and cashback offers on these online marketplaces. The online shoppers should look for the authentic and reliable sites for purchasing any items. A number of shopping portals are popular in the UK markets. These are Abebooks, Waterstones, Penguin.uk, etc. Abebooks offers a large collection of more than 13,500 booksellers that have introduced their books on its portal. Many value-added benefits are provided by the other websites so that the customers could get the most astonishing shopping experience.
Some of the best known children’s books are the Harry Potter series, Disney High School Musical, KS2 Science, Heart to Heart, etc. These literatures have been written by the reputed authors in the world. On the whole, it is an open secret that the children’s literature business is growing at a rapid speed in the UK and the arrival of internet has benefited this industry.
By using the Internet, we can access science encyclopedias from the comfort of our homes. We don’t have to travel to the library to review the reference section for books that we aren’t allowed to remove from the building. There are thousands of sites referring to science encyclopedias on the web. Below, we will discuss a few of them.
The first site we will review is http://www.oup.co.uk/oxed/children/oise/. This site belongs to the Oxford University Press and is named the Oxford Illustrated Science Encyclopedia. The home page is a beautiful array of object and color. Having special selections for children, this site will keep you jumping from one category to the next. Check out the “Test Your Knowledge” section. You might be surprised at just how much you remember from school! This is one of my favorite sites, because it is easy to use and very visual. It also boasts free pictures.
WWW.allrefer.com does just what its name implies. It refers you to another site which refers you to another site which refers you to another site, and so on. While there are some interesting items to be found on this site, I am not particularly crazy about the sterility of the site. It is also ad-driven and pop-up dominated. Therefore, be sure you have your pop-up blocker installed and turned on. Otherwise, your attempt to find information will be futile.
Eric Weisstein’s Treasure Troves of Science offers a comprehensive science encyclopedia and can be found at http://www.treasure-troves.com. You can view such topics as astronomy, math and music. This site does not use pop-ups and is easily navigated. However, the graphics are minimal, to say the least. I would suggest this site for the more advanced user. Since it does not contain very many pictures, it may not hold a child’s interest as much as it would an adult’s. I found this site to be very informative and useful.
One of the sites I reviewed is http://www.science.enotes.com. This site is not free, but it is certainly worth the .95 per month to use the “science pass”. The “science pass” will give you full access to all the information you require. When you pull up the information, the site only allows a tidbit to be revealed thus requiring the pass. It would be much more lucrative to purchase the yearly pass for .95. There is also an option to purchase passes for the entire http://enotes.com site. This informative site would be well worth the money.
A great reference guide for science and technology can be found at http://www.refdesk.com. This site supplies great references and graphics.
Though these are just a few of the thousands of other sites when it comes to dealing with all the science encyclopedias that are available on the net, I hope this information has helped will help you make an informed decision on your first stop at the World Wide Web.
A pessimist can understand the cost of every valuable thing but cannot understand the worth of nothing. As such, reading habit should be cultivated among the children to teach them the right values of life. Reading books can help a child to face the stiff competitions with confidence. As life can be described as a challenge of drawing sufficient conclusions from scarce premises; we should always try to utilize the available resources. Moreover, when children develop reading habit they would clamor to unlock the wide horizons of mysteries. This important habit of reading books can help a kid to utilize her or his leisure time in a better way.
Life cannot be lost by dying; in fact it is lost minute by minute, day by day, in all the thousand small uncaring ways. It is very important to acquire knowledge whenever a person is sitting idle. Acquiring knowledge is a never ending process. A person cannot read all the literatures of the world in his or her lifetime. But if this reading habit is cultivated from the childhood, it can help the reader to gain more knowledge from various fields.
The books of the kids and the grown ups are designed and depicted in a different manner. The Children Books are always written in a simple language, to engross them throughout the reading process. The characters and the fantasy islands depicted in these books allow the children to wander in their imaginations and fantasy islands. A book is received well when it can enable a reader to relate himself or herself with the depicted characters. Reading books also expands the treasure of wisdom as they help us to learn various things regarding the distant places and peoples.
As people can learn multiple things by surfing the internet, it is believed that the habit of reading books would eventually fade away. However, the fact is really surprising. The internet has actually helped to cultivate reading habits among the people. Actually, a knowledge monger can never be satisfied by the available options, because human beings always seek more options. Books help them to satisfy their thirst for knowledge by permitting them to turn the pages over and over again without any hassle. Internet actually helps to incite the curiosity among the readers about various topics.
It is a popular saying that the more a child reads, the better human being he becomes. Various options are available nowadays to offer fun while reading. Kids find it pleasurable to read animated books as they depict exciting tales and interesting informations. This would in turn help the children to develop their vocabulary power and language skills too. Children books are particularly designed to introduce them to new worlds and teach the the right values of life. They can actually broaden the imaginations of the children and also encourage them to try new experiments. In fact, they enhance the critical thoughts of children and provide them the freedom to debate on various topics such as population, pollution and unemployment etc.
It seems that the kids are forced only to study the course books. This type of activity can actually limit their imagination and also their knowledge bank. In fact, various literatures of the world can help to enhance the creativity and talents of the children. The online book stores can help a consumer to find the best books for their children. These online shopping portals display the best children books which are not easily available in the market. Moreover, these sites are regularly updated to offer the latest best selling books to the consumers. These online shopping stores even offer various lucrative gifts along with the books. But the consumers should check the authenticity of these online sites as fraudulents do exit in every field.
Children are usually very restless; as such, to imbibe any kind of knowledge in them, books should be carefully chosen. Kids can be taught by providing them exciting and adventurous gadgets and books for entertainment. As knowledge forms the basic personality and attitude of a person and helps him to face any competition with confidence, the habit of reading books should be cultivated during the tender age.
To solve this problem, Children Books are written which are used to entertain and educate the children at ease. However, if a certain lesson requires to be taught to the kids, they have to be presented to them in an exciting and interactive manner. Any book which possesses interesting plots and amazing characters would automatically raise the curiosity of the reader.
It is a fact that children would fail to react or respond on serious and complex subjects. As such to incorporate reading habits in them, children’s books should contain astounding illustrations and fun filled plots and subjects. These special books are depicted to suit the tastes and interest of the kids. One can find books on various topics and genres also. Children have weird imagination and have lot of queries during their peak developmental age.
The exciting stories in these books help to tame them and their curiosity by satisfying their fantasy thirst and permit them to wander in their imaginative world. These books are often illustrated with crispy pictures and animated subjects. From these books they learn the basics such as alphabets, numerals and various other things too. These story books can also be categorised under various genres such as traditional story books, fictional books, informational and early age books etc.
The children’s books are basically written to teach the nursery rhymes to the kids and reveal various amazing fantasies to the kids. The fairy tales and the adventure stories have always been popular among the kids. Story books such as Snow White and Ugly Duckling etc have remained popular till today. Various fictional stories like Alice in Wonderland and Gulliver’s Travels have attracted the kids since ages.
These books help the kids to learn more about this amazing world, people residing in various parts of the continent and various things, which steadily enhance their knowledge bank. To gain knowledge is a never ending process and as such it is always a good option to imbibe this habit from early age. This habit would automatically enhance the vocabulary of the readers and enrich their expression skills.
We are now living in a digital age. Almost every household in America owns at least one personal computer and a cell phone. We google, facebook, tweet, text message, email and read our news on the internet. What does this mean for the next generation? It means that our children will model that same behavior. Just look at the tweens and teens. Their lives are literally immersed in electronic data. Young children coming up through the ranks will also begin to learn how to use this same digital media. The good news is, if used properly, electronic data can be used effectively. There are many good ebooks available on the internet to promote reading at an early age. Here are five reasons why ebooks are a good reading resource for your young child.
1. Ebooks are interactive. Reading an ebook allows you the opportunity to teach your child how to use a keyboard and become familiar with the workings of the computer. We all know they love to push buttons!
2. Bright colors and pictures on the computer screen promotes learning. It holds their interest longer than a traditional book. Children can easily identify colors, shapes and everyday items which promote language, reading and writing skills later on. Plus, they are normally cheaper than a traditional book.
3. Familiarizing young children with digital technology will give them a head start before entering school. Most schools and preschools now have computers in the classroom. Some literacy experts are pushing for federal tests known as the nation’s report card to include a digital reading component.(1)
4. Ebooks are indestructible. They last for decades and can be passed down from generation to generation. They do not tatter, fade, or tear! This type of digital media can be transported easily on your laptop or ebook reader to be read anywhere and anytime. Ebooks are also eco-friendly. No tree was ever cut down for an ebook!
5. Reading to children at an early age will also benefit them into their adult years. Many studies have concluded that reading at an early age and into school age years result in better grades and leads to higher education. Experts also say that drop-out rates decrease and online reading skills will help job seekers fare better when looking for digital-age jobs.
Although there are good reasons for reading ebooks to your children, it should be noted that having a variety of reading materials available will ensure your young child will develop a love for reading. Start reading to them at an early age and model good reading habits yourself. Most importantly, take the time to read to your child and don’t overlook the benefit of using ebooks.
Ever wonder if children get any benefit from listening to audio books as compared to reading a book.There’s been studies done that show that children as young as 5 years old do gain a variety of benefits from listening to audio books.
Some of the benefits include:
Improving listening and comprehension skillsIncreasing vocabularyLearning the proper pronunciation of wordsLearning to “see” a story by using imagination instead of illustrationsGetting motivated to read more by an author they’ve been introduced to through an audiobookEngaging a child’s interest in a way that a parent reading aloud may notProviding an enjoyable family activity
By listening to audio books children are presented with an opportunity to hear language thereby providing them the correct use of grammar and also giving them the chance to hear the correct pronunciation of new or difficult words.
Another benefit of audio books is that they can play a vital role in bridging the gap in young children whose understanding and comprehension is greater than their reading skill. In allowing them to “read” along with an audio book this frustration can be avoided as the child feels as though they’re actually reading. This is an enormous benefit when encouraging a life-long love of books and reading in the very young.
A more obvious, but no less important benefit of listening to stories is that it improves a child’s listening skills. More than half of our learning or accumulation of knowledge is achieved through just listening. Through just listening to audio books on CD or cassette children’s concentration is improved and they become better listeners and thereby better learners. Listening to stories is still a great way to spend quality time together as a family and it has been shown to improve a child’s conversation skills and to encourage them to express themselves.
Children are encouraged to use their imaginations and “paint” their own pictures of characters and places. The overall effect of this is one of entertainment and enjoyment thereby strengthening the link between books and pleasure. This is particularly important for parents struggling with reluctant or problem readers.
BENEFITS FOR PARENTS
One last benefit is for the parents. Audio books can give often exhausted parents a break from reading to their child. What better way to relax and end the day than to cuddle up together and just listen.
Need to find Books on CD & Tape for children as well as adult tiles, checkout www.TalkingBooksPlus.com.
French Camping Holidays – Six Steps to Planning the Perfect Family Holiday
You are advised to plan French camping holidays well in advance. The rise in popularity among British families for French camping holidays means booking early is essential to avoid disappointed. Substantial numbers of British families are choosing French camping holidays for their summer break.
Days consist of lying by the pool watching your children play with newly acquired friends. When evening approaches the aroma of barbecues drifts around the campsite, all this complemented with inexpensive quality French wine. Enjoying your summer break is easy, here are six steps to make planning French camping holidays easy also.
1. When is the best time to travel?
If your children are below school age or you’re traveling as a group of friends, then months May, June and September are cheapest. Additional benefits of those months include quieter roads, resorts and campsites. When booking French camping holidays in peak periods, book early to avoid disappointed as popular campsites become full very quickly.
2. Selecting your Campsite
From Normandy, Brittany and the Loire in the north to the Cote d’Azur and Languedoc in the south, it is possible to camp in most regions of France . Choose a region that matches your interests, maybe an inland retreat, beach holiday or culture and sightseeing. For campsites, checkout the facilities available, the official rating and the number of pitches match your preferences. The local amenities will give you a good idea whether a campsites region can satisfy your interests.
3. Choosing your Accommodation
French camping holidays offer a variety of accommodation. Tents, mobile home and chalet style cottages are available depending on your preference and budget. If your children are teenagers, go for the larger accommodation where possible it’s well worth while having a little extra space. At most campsites bed linen can be hired, otherwise don’t forget to take your own.
4. Getting there by Sea, Air or Rail
The English channel makes getting to France a little more awkward. Most holidaymakers drive to their campsite taking either the cross channel ferry or the Euro-star through the Channel Tunnel. The ferry is slower but general cheaper and for convenience the Channel Tunnel takes only 35 minutes. Fly-drive or Motorail are alternatively options to driving all the way from the UK . In peak season book your channel crossing, trains and flights early or you may end up with more expensive traveling arrangements or no traveling arrangements at all.
5. Stopping En Route
The Cote d’Azur and Languedoc regions of France may take 12 hours to drive non-stop from the UK . In that case many holidaymakers on French camping holidays choose to stop En Route. There are hotels chains across France including Novotel, Ibis, Kyriad and Campanile who offer good quality rooms at reasonable prices.
6. Visit Disneyland Paris and the way home
The route of many journeys across France is via Paris . For a little extra expense consider a two day stay at Disneyland Paris. It is possible to stay at the Disneyland hotels, but money can be saved by staying at one of the many hotels very close to Disneyland . And finally, leave enough time to visit CitiEurope in Calais , it’s a vast enclosed shopping center where French produce at bargain duty free prices can be purchased.
Discover the charm, enjoyment and relaxation of French camping holidays for yourself next year. Plan and book early and you will not be disappointed.
Esther Hicks is an American inspirational speaker and best-selling author. She has co-authored nine books with her husband Jerry Hicks, presents workshops on the Law of Attraction and appeared in the first release of the film The Secret.[1] The Hickses’ books, including the best-selling series The Law of Attraction, are — according to Esther Hicks — Channelled from a group of non-physical entities called Abraham (Hicks describes what she is doing as tapping into “infinite intelligence”). Hay House, Inc. published the Hickses’ best-selling book, Ask and It is Given, in September, 2004. Since that book they have also published four more New York Times Best-Sellers: The Amazing Power of Deliberate Intent (January, 2006), The Law of Attraction (October, 2006), The Astonishing Power of Emotions (September, 2008), and Money and the Law of Attraction: Learning to Attract Health, Wealth & Happiness which ranked #1 two weeks after its release in August 2008.[4] A series of fictional children’s books, Sara I, II, and III, is also available. Several of their books were translated into Spanish, French, Italian, German, Dutch and Russian. Esther Hicks was a narrator and star of the original version of the film The Secret. www.abraham-hicks.com Outline of AbrahamHicks’ teachings Esther Hicks claims that non-physical entities called Abraham speak through her, and that her teachings (referred to as AbrahamHicks teachings) are based on this experience. The basic tenets of the teachings … Video Rating: 4 / 5
Aggression in young children is a common problem that is quite natural and normal, but most parents feel alone and embarrassed when dealing with it. There are lots of ideas and options for taking positive constructive action to improve the situation, but the results are not quickly obvious, since it involves young children who lack maturity and self-control skills.
WHAT TYPE OF PROBLEM IS IT? C/P.* Part of the problem belongs to the Child, because the child is angry, and part of the problem belongs to the Parent, because the child is expressing the anger aggressively, which is a safety issue. While the problem is mostly a Parent problem, the parent’s goal is for the child to eventually become mature enough to resolve similar emotions appropriately in the future.
WHY? Prior to the end of the transitional phase, around age four and five, children are still in the process learning to manage their bodily functions and impulses. Children who have high levels of testosterone (primarily but not exclusively boys and “tomboy” girls) often have difficulty managing their anger energy. Since they experience a strong chemical change when they are angry, they experience their anger not only as an emotion but as a source of energy they can’t bottle. The energy must come out somehow, so our job as parents is to help it come out in constructive ways, rather than destructive ways.
Ideally, we want children to learn how to manage their own anger and do so in a mature, responsible way. When children are young and inexperienced, it can be difficult to teach them how to manage their anger constructively. In this case, the situation is a PU Problem (Parent problem involving Unintentional misbehavior). If a child has learned anger management skills and intentionally chooses to not use them, the problem would be a PO Problem (Parent problem involving “On purpose” misbehavior). Whether the behavior is PU or PO, you can use the following suggestions:
POSSIBLE TOOLS TO USE
Prevention Toolbox:
Plan Ahead. Discuss the situation with your parenting partner, if applicable, so you can have a plan in mind the next time gets aggressive. Such a plan will help you both maintain your control when angry and respond to the problem consistently. Get agreements before you’re in potential problem situations. “You can play nicely or we will leave. If there is any hitting, I’ll know our visit is over.” “If you get tired of playing with him and want to leave, tell me in words. You can whisper in my ear.” “When we are at our house and you get angry, you can either hit the bop bag or go to your room and hit your pillow.” “When we are at his house, if you get angry, you can either run to another room and growl out your anger or come to me and I’ll hold you until you feel better.” (Substitute your own preferences for healthy alternatives.) Model Behavior. When child have anger problems, it gives us a chance to work on our own anger issues. Pay attention to how you handle your own anger. If your child’s angry outbursts turn into power struggles, you may be missing an opportunity to teach your child how to manage their own power, control, and anger issues. Learn how to manage anger constructively and respectfully. (See the “Keep Your Cool Toolset” in The Parent’s Toolshop.) Openly Model Behavior. Talk out loud the mental and physical process you go through that helps you maintain control. Don’t say this to the child, like a lecture. Children are like little sponges that soak in what you are saying if you just talk to yourself. Free child from roles or labels. When children lose their tempers, avoid labeling them a bully, a brat, or mean. Instead, express your faith in their ability to grow and mature by saying, “I know you can learn to be angry without hitting.” You can also remind them of times they worked through a problem without aggression or point out how far they went in the process before getting frustrated and resorting to hostility. If you think a child never tries to improve or change, start looking closer. Often having fewer outbursts is a sign that the child is improving. Use Descriptive Encouragement. Give children credit for every tiny effort they make in this area. It probably takes great effort despite how it appears to us. Pointing this out will help children see they are making progress. Be supportive of your children so you can help them, instead of frustrating them more with an ineffective or harsh response. If children think we can’t love them in spite of their anger, how can they love themselves or believe they are lovable? Don’t Say Don’t. Instead of “Don’t hit,” say, “Use words” or “People aren’t for hitting.” Create the picture of what you want children to do. They need a clear picture in mind to act on quickly in the heat of the moment. No “No’s”. If a “no” happens to slip out in a crisis, it probably qualifies as an emergency. Just be sure to back it up with limits and information such as, “Hitting hurts people” or “You can hit a pillow, but not people.” You may have to say this while you are rushing over to stop his hand in mid-air! Offer choices. Use choices to set limits and remind children of their options. “You can use words or walk away. Hitting is not one of your choices.” Choices within limits are part of most of the other tools available to you.
Child Problem Toolbox. When you are in the heat of the situation follow this formula:
Acknowledge feelings: State what you think the child is feeling, “I can understand why you are feeling (feeling) . . .” Set the limit or rule: “. . . but I expect (state the limit)” or “. . . but in this family we . . .”
Teach skills, offering specifics, “If you want (what the child wants), say (specific words).”
Problem Solving. Even a three-year-old can do problem solving, in a condensed version. On a good day, when your child is not angry and it is not immediately after a problem, follow this formula:
State your feelings: “I don’t like losing my temper, yelling, or seeing your friends treated meanly.” or “I have a concern about children getting hurt when another child gets angry.” Make this a short one-sentence statement, not a lecture. Quickly move to the next step and come back to your feelings/concerns later. Listen to the child’s feelings, “How do you feel when you lose your temper?” “How do you feel when your friends get hurt?” Explore Alternatives: “When you are angry, what do you think you can do?” Don’t evaluate any ideas yet. Identify your child’s anger energy style (Verbal involves yelling/screaming and Physical involves hitting, kicking, pushing, etc.) and their recharge style (Internal needs to be alone and External needs to be around people or stimuli). Generate ideas that fit the child’s individual style combination (i.e., Internal/Verbal, External/Physical). With verbal anger energy, suggest ideas such as, “Use words,” offering specific examples. With physical anger energy, suggest actions that disperse anger energy, such as punching a bop bag or pillow, running, swinging, walking away, or drawing. Evaluate the ideas. “Well, yes, hitting is one of your options. What would happen if you hit him? How would you feel? How would he feel? How would the teacher feel?” If children don’t dismiss an inappropriate idea on their own, use a value statement like, “I don’t agree with hitting other people. What are some of your other ideas? Is there something else that might work better?” Devise a plan and practice a few hypothetical situations. Use a code word or signal to remind the child of the agreement when you sense things heating up.
PU Toolset (Unintentional). Use these tools when the aggressive behavior is the result of lack of skills. In addition to the skill training, problem-solving, choices, and communication tools already listed, you can also use distraction. Take one of the children, quickly remove the child, and get the child involved in an acceptable activity. Do not remove an angry child to a setting where there is an absence of activity unless he has an Internal recharger; otherwise the lack of physical outlets will only increase the anger energy. Replace the unacceptable behavior with options that will channel the energy appropriately.
Understand the purpose of PO (“On purpose” misbehavior).
If the purpose is attention, either remove the child from the situation or remove the attention from the situation. Interact as little as possible in the process of removing the child or the attention. If the purpose is power, be aware of who the child is trying to control. You can say, “If you want to do things your way, explain it to him nicely.” or “If you want him to share with you, ask him politely if you can have a turn.” Suggest the exact words if such a general statement would be to vague. If the child is trying to control your decisions by aggressively resisting, restate the choices within limits. Then point out that, “If you can’t decide without hurting, I’ll know you need to calm down before we discuss this further.” This can lead you into discipline. Remember, that the kind of control the child really wants is self-control or some control over the options.
If the purpose is revenge, acknowledge the child’s hurt feelings without condoning the child’s actions. Say, “I understand you are angry, but in this family we don’t hit.” or “You don’t like what he did. Tell him, ‘I don’t like that!’”
Discipline Toolset
As you can see, there is a lot parents can do to prevent and respond to aggressive behavior before or instead of discipline. If the problem is recurring, use problem solving to get agreements and build discipline into the plan. When you state what the discipline will be or need to follow through, be very careful to control your anger and follow through calmly and firmly. You are the grown-up, so control yourself until you have a chance to dis-engage and calm down. Possible disciplines are:
Logical consequence - Social outings with children are a special opportunity, so you must show that you can be responsible when you have a problem and get angry. “If you show me you are not ready to work out your problems without hurting people I’ll know you’ve decided to leave. I will give you one opportunity to change your behavior, then we WILL leave. Do you understand?”
If the aggression takes place at school or in a setting where he can’t leave, then the restriction can be on social activities at home, until the next day. Don’t make the time period any longer the first time, or if it only happens infrequently. Keep it reasonable. What your child needs is more practice, not punishment that increases his resentment even more.
Time-outs - “You can either calm down or we will leave the room, you decide.” “I see a boy who’s getting very angry!”, you say as you hurry toward him to stop the aggression. “Quick! Go cool off. Come back when you feel ready to play again.” Present the time-out as a choice so he learns that controlling his anger is his responsibility. Using choices will also prevent the time-out from turning into a power struggle.
If a tantrum starts by trying to get him to leave the situation, offer a choice once, like, “You can walk by yourself or I can carry you out.” Always present removal as a choice before you follow through. If you still get physical resistance, pick child up using ONLY as much firmness or strength as is necessary to protect you and others, but not enough to harm the child. You need to remain in control or he’ll get even more scared. Carry him with his flailing arms and feet facing out (I learned this one the hard way!). Keep your voice calm but firm and say in his ear, “I will not let you hurt yourself or others. When you calm down we can go back.” If you have already left once or it is getting to be time to go, change the last part to, “Next time we get together with your friends, you’ll have another chance to practice using words when you are angry.” Chances are your child will be crying, sad, angry, maybe even revengeful. Acknowledge feelings once or twice, then ignore the tantrum. Any further attention will reinforce the tantrum. If you think it is disrespectful for you to have to leave your friends because of your child’s behavior, think about your long-term goal. Remember, This too shall pass. When it does, you will be able to spend all your time visiting, instead of refereeing fights.
If a child hurts someone’s feelings or body, have the child make amends. Do NOT force the child to say “I’m sorry”. That can lead to a power struggle. You want your child to take responsibility for the consequences of what he did, not get an easy excuse or cancellation of his responsibility by saying those two words insincerely. Tell him, “If you hurt someone, I expect you to take care of their hurt.” If it’s feelings, have him ask if the other child is okay. He can say he’s sorry or hug him, if that is what he sincerely wants to do. But he has to at least check to make sure the other child is okay. If it is a body that’s hurt, the hurtful child needs to be involved in cleaning, getting ice, holding cloth, putting a bandage on, or helping with these things if he’s too young to do them by himself. If the child chooses not to fix the hurt, you know he’s decided to leave.
I want you to know, up front, that this is a problem that may not improve overnight. It sometimes takes months to years, from about age two until about age five, for children to be able to internalize and apply what they have learned. Seeing results will take longer than other problems, but be patient. You will have times when you feel discouraged and think you aren’t getting through. You will have embarrassing situations that test your patience. But soon you WILL see little glimpses of times when your child practices what you’ve taught him. And when your child matures, you will find his anger management and conflict management skills are sometimes even higher than the children who never seemed to lose their temper when they were younger. Pursuing long-term goals that teach skills versus short-term solutions that punish the behavior is the key to resolving this problem successfully.
Other resources that might help:
The Little Boy Book, by Sheila Moore Your Three Year Old (also Four year old), by Louise Bates Ames and Frances L. Ilg.
A children’s book trailer for a series of Bible Stories for young children, including “Abraham’s Search for God,” “Sarah Laughs,” and “Benjamin and the Silver Goblet,” written by Jacqueline Jules, illustrated by Natascia Ugliano, and published by Kar-Ben Publishing. Please visit www.jacquelinejules.com.
